Today, I welcome a Guest Post from the lovely Rebecca from Taylor Made Ramblings. She is mummy to a gorgeous little boy called Ernest and is a singing and piano teacher by trade. She shares with us her thoughts and feelings on whether there is a right time to leave your child.

Is there a ‘right time’ to leave your child?

Will you know when that ‘right time’ is? And if so, how?

I don’t know what I thought about leaving Ernest before I had him. I can’t remember to be truthful. Perhaps I hadn’t really thought about it. Or maybe I had just assumed we would occasionally leave him with Nanny and Grandad for the odd night here and there. I’m honestly not sure. In any case, I knew it wouldn’t be a frequent occurrence as we relocated a year before having him, hence no family nearby to babysit. (Our families are amazing and would happily have him when they are around though.)

But once I had Ernie, everything changed. I think it was largely down to the breastfeeding. I knew I wanted to feed him but I had no preconceptions as to how it would be, and prepared myself that I may not be able to, especially as he was born via an emergency section. However, he latched perfectly as soon as we reached the recovery room and we haven’t looked back since. (You can read about our journey here). We tried giving him bottles of expressed milk a few months down the line with the aim to being able to leave him occasionally, but he always refused, and we eventually gave up. I was happy as we were and I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I felt extremely lucky to be able to feed him and cherished the bond it gave us, and my husband was able to be involved in other ways so it wasn’t causing a problem. Occasionally the tiredness would peak and I would desperately crave just one night of uninterrupted sleep. My husband and parents would feel helpless as they wanted to be able to take him and let me rest, yet they weren’t able to. But over time he began to sleep for longer periods, so it became less of an issue.

But breastfeeding is more than just milk and nutrition; it is a form of comfort, connection, routine…Ernie never had a dummy so I was his pacifier, his soother. As he got older, he reduced his feeds until they were primarily a means of falling asleep. He will sometimes have a quick thirst-quencher first thing in the morning, or he may ‘touch-base’ around tea time if he has been separated from me, but other than that, he now only feeds in order to fall asleep at nap time and bedtime. If I am occasionally away all day he will fall asleep by other means now, but I am always back for his bedtime feed.

Where is all this leading? Well, Ernie is 22 months old now. He’ll turn two in September (I still can’t quite believe it!) I am perfectly happy with our situation. I have always been a bit of a homebody, and if I am out, I have no problem ensuring I get home in time for his bedtime feed. Until recently, I wouldn’t even consider going out after his feed of an evening as it was a bit unpredictable as to how long it might take to settle him (making it difficult to commit to plans), and I worried about him waking once I was gone. But it has actually been fine the few times I have tried it; it made me realise that I needed to surrender some control and stop living in fear of ‘what might happen’…

However, the idea of staying away from him overnight has never been a viable option for me. I firmly vowed I would never force the situation, and so long as Ernie needed me to feed him to sleep at night I would be there, whether that’s until he is two, three, or beyond. If everyone is happy then what is the problem? OK, I may have to miss out on things from time-to-time, but Ernie won’t need me forever and I don’t want to sacrifice his needs if I don’t need to. But this week I have paused to reflect on this. Is this really what is best for him? Is it really having no detrimental effect on myself or my husband? Is it really a problem if for one night he is settled by someone else?

So why this week? It was a hot, humid evening and my husband was on a night shift. Ernie had been feeding to sleep for an hour already and not dropping off, yet if I put him down he would scream. He was teething and the heat wasn’t helping, but I had tried everything. I could feel myself becoming frustrated and feeling helpless. I was tired, hot, and fed-up too. But I wasn’t handling things very well and this was making Ernie more upset as a result. I then began criticising myself for letting him and myself down and not dealing with the situation more maturely…so a vicious cycle ensued. Usually, these blips pass and I convince myself everything is fine, but this time it was different. It wasn’t like things had culminated and I could no longer cope (although there is sometimes an element of this). But rather, I suddenly realised my baby wasn’t a baby anymore. He is a little boy whose needs are gradually changing and who perhaps doesn’t always want to feed to sleep. The two nights previous to this he had seemed to want some ‘down time’ in his cot before falling asleep. He was happily singing and chatting to himself until he finally drifted off. I thought it was just a fluke, but maybe it wasn’t. And actually, I thought I would be sad, but I am OK with it. It was adorable listening to him reciting ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ and various other show-stoppers, and the fuzzy feeling inside from knowing that he felt happy and secure was indescribable! So maybe we need to adjust the bedtime routine; to create an environment that will help him to feel calm and to settled. This doesn’t mean dropping his bedtime feed, but perhaps this will be the first step in the routine rather than the last.

However, the significant event that evening was that I suddenly felt ready to have a night away; to have some quality time with my husband and to not be racing against a clock to be back home for bedtime. It wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction to a tiring day – an ‘enough’s enough’ – but more, a realisation that for all of us, the time is right.  My Father-in-law had been urging us to do this for about a year but I had firmly been against it. I know he had the best of intentions, but I knew I had to reach this point in my own time. And I finally had. Instead of feeling guilty that I wouldn’t be doing what was best by Ernie, I actually realised that I was doing what was best, both for him, for me, for everyone. Having a frustrated Mummy is not beneficial to him and clinging to an outdated routine isn’t either. It dawned on me that I had been struggling to let go of the control and that perhaps nostalgia was preventing me from at least trying to see if there are alternatives. Fear was also a factor. The fear that he would indeed be OK without me, and so where would that leave us and the breastfeeding? I have always had a tendency to dramatise things and I have always feared change, but I needed to gain perspective and realise that one night away would not mean the end of life as it is now. The changes are gradual, and in any case, with each new stage comes something as equally special.

So we are going away this weekend for one night. I don’t know how it will play out, but I do know Ernest is an extremely loved and loving little boy, and in the care of our parents, he will be absolutely fine. People always comment on how confident, laid-back, and happy he is, so I am not sure why I worry so much… Furthermore, it will be a special moment after 22 months, as grandparents, to finally be able to care for him entirely. Of course, I am sure I will worry, and I am sure I will still have to fight the feeling of guilt here and there. I will also struggle to relinquish control…control of Ernie, his routine, the house, the cleaning…all of my OCD traits! But it is something I finally need, have, and want to do, for the benefit of our family as a whole. Now is our ‘right time’. I will endeavour to savour it and embrace the moment.

In fact…(and please don’t judge me!)…but thinking about it…I am actually quite excited now…!

When did you first leave your little one? How did you feel?
Was it the ‘right time’? I’d love to hear from you.

You can find Rebecca online:
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Thank you for sharing this post with us Rebecca. It’s hard to feel guilty about leaving them but it’s nice to be able to have some quality time with your partner. I can imagine the first time will be the hardest but once you realise you can do it and all survive it will get easier. I hope you have a lovely break away!