Babyloss awareness week- my story

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It’s baby loss awareness week this week and on October 15 at 7pm people around the world will be lighting a candle to create a wave of light in memory of babies who have died too soon.

I know and have read many stories of women who have lost their babies through miscarriage but today I wanted to take a moment to share my own experience.

wave-of-light

E was 19 months old when hubby and I decided we were ready to start trying for baby number 2 and by the time January came around I was pregnant! I couldn’t quite believe how quickly it happened. This time, my sense of smell was massively heightened and I experienced a hunger I’d never known before and my back ached all the time.

We were so happy, E was going to be a big brother to a new baby brother or sister in September 2012.

Life continued as normal – pregnancy second time round was different. Gone were the days of being able to take yourself off to bed when you felt like it. No, this time, I had a toddler to look after as well as work to contend with.

I was at work when it started…I went to the toilet and saw a pink tinge of blood. I told myself not to panic but I couldn’t stop going to toilet to check and each time it was darker. I don’t remember how I got through the rest of the day at work. I got home and the bleeding was worse. I’d read that some bleeding in pregnancy was common so kept holding onto that thought. Pregnancy tests were still showing positive but I think deep down in my heart I just knew….

We ended up in A&E that night as the bleeding and cramps got worse. There wasn’t much they could do, they took a pregnancy test which still showed positive and booked me in for an ultrasound for the following afternoon. So many thoughts were running through my head that night and I dreaded every time I had to go to the toilet.

I worked from home the next day as I couldn’t face going into the office but still needed to somehow keep myself busy until the ultrasound in the afternoon. I picked E up from the childminders early and met Mr H at the hospital and waited in EPU.

I didn’t get to see the consultant in time…. I needed to go to the toilet again and this time, I passed the foetal sac. I had an ultrasound after to confirm that it was a natural miscarriage.

I will never forget the date – February 14th, 2012. Happy Valentines Day to us – what great timing. Mr H and I were devastated…the little baby we had growing in my tummy was gone. It may have been early days (I was 7 weeks) but it didn’t make it any less painful.

I felt drained and tired the rest of that week  and I slept a lot, my body seemed to need it.

I blamed myself. I shouldn’t have had those hot baths for my sore back – I shouldn’t have done this or that and if I hadn’t *this* wouldn’t have happened….

I had to return to hospital for a couple of blood tests that week so they could check to see the hCG levels were dropping back down significantly now I was no longer pregnant. I remember driving through Richmond Park after my appointment because I didn’t want to go home to an empty house (hubby had gone back to work and E was at the childminder) “Take a look at me now” by Phil Collins came on the radio and I just broke down and cried.

So take a look at me now
Well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face

Flowers were delivered from work and that also set me off again, I had to cancel my maternity exemption card and my booking in appointment. I flitted between trying to keep myself busy and sleeping. My emotions were all over the place. I kept trying to reason with myself – there were worse things happening in the world I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and sad about our loss.

The day I returned to work, I unexpectedly received a scan photo from my cousin, she was expecting – due in September. Again, talk about timing! Of course I was happy for her but she didn’t know what had happened to me and I felt it unfair to tell her what I had just gone through.

I focused on E and reminded myself how lucky I was to have him. There are so many of us out there that can’t conceive so how could I be upset with what had happened? 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage – I, unfortunately was part of that statistic now.

I still think about my loss – it’s something that will always be a part of me and something we will never forget.

Every time that Phil Collin’s song comes on the radio I am instantly transported back to Richmond Park and Valentines Day has never been the same since.

We need to talk about babyloss. Please join me in lighting a candle tonight in remembrance of all those babies out there that left us too soon….

babylossawareness.png large

Hello and welcome to Suburban Mum! I'm Maria and I'm mum to two boys - E who's 11 and M who's 8. This blog is about my family, the ups and downs of being a working mum and everything in between. If you want to find out more about me and my family head over to our About us page.

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10 Comments

  1. Silly Mummy
    17th October 2015 at 11:47 pm  ·  Reply

    I’m sorry for your loss. It must be very difficult. I had an ectopic pregnancy, but it never really feels like you can call that the same, though it is upsetting, because it never had a chance, it was never viable, and I had no idea I was pregnant before I knew it was ectopic. This is a beautifully written post and, yes, people should talk about it more. #KCACOLS

  2. Jenny Lord
    18th October 2015 at 10:12 am  ·  Reply

    Thanks for sharing your story about your loss. It’s so common but so devastating when it happens to you. You’ll never forget but the hurt and pain of it gets easier. #KCACOLS

  3. A Moment With Franca
    21st October 2015 at 7:15 am  ·  Reply

    Ohh sweetie I’m so sorry for your loss. I love this post as it is so honest about your whole experience!! I understand pretty well what you went through as I also had a miscarriage when trying baby number 2. I was 7 weeks too and I went through the same symptoms although I never had to go to |A&E. The bleeding was really bad and the pain horrendous but I managed to deal with it at home. I don’t remember seeing the foetal sac but I’m sure it must’ve been there. The whole experience was awful and I felt incredibly sad and upset for a while!! It was all too much to take at that time. And I was also thinking that I shouldn’t felt bad as I already had Bella but it was difficult. Thank you so much for sharing such a lovely, real and honest story at #KCACOLS. I hope to see you again next Sunday!! 🙂 xx

  4. mommyslittleprincesses
    22nd October 2015 at 10:58 am  ·  Reply

    Sending you big hugs. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us all. I know it couldn’t have been easy. I feel your pain I too lost not one but two of my little babies before Holly came along. It’s silly that they get you to take a pregnancy test as it gives false hope as your body still has all the hormones in it, I found this out when I had my first miscarriage from the lady who did my ultrasound. She basically told me that it just gives parents false hope as even after your miscarriage you will still test positive until your hormones go back to normal. Xx

  5. A Cornish Mum
    22nd October 2015 at 8:47 pm  ·  Reply

    Oh Maria I’m sorry you had to go through this it must have been awful. A very close friend of mine lost her son when he was less than two months old through cot death and I lit a candle for her and her beautiful baby. Losing a child at any stage really is the most cruel thing. Stevie xxxx

  6. Helen WonderfullyAverage
    23rd October 2015 at 10:10 pm  ·  Reply

    I’m so sorry to read you’ve been through this. It must be such an awful thing to experience. I remember during my pregnancy that although I knew there was no guarantee it would end in a baby, right from the start you love the tiny little person that you’re growing and you imagine what they’re going to be like and how your family is going to change. Thank you for sharing your story. #KCACOLS

  7. Mark Thomas (The honest father)
    13th October 2016 at 1:18 pm  ·  Reply

    This is a difficult but essential read – I applaud you for putting it out there for people to read. Somebody struggling with a similar situation might find solace upon reading this!

    Keep well Maria.

  8. Laura's Lovely Blog
    15th October 2016 at 9:44 am  ·  Reply

    So sorry Maria, thank you for sharing but I am so sorry this happened to you 🙁

  9. Pingback: October’s Pregnancy Round-Up | Tots 100

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