An unexpected delivery: My Caesarean story

This May, I will have had my bumpy caesarean scar for seven years. It’s a scar I never expected to have but am so grateful for. It meant that my baby boy was delivered safely into the world.

I’ve previously guest posted on my VBAC birth with M but have never really written about my birth experience with E. So with April being Caesarean Awareness month it seemed quite apt to cast my mind back.

I don’t have any photos with me and E in hospital after my c-section. In fact, I don’t think I have many photos of us at all in those early days. I felt completely broken and a failure after I had him. An emergency c-section was not how I imagined I would be welcoming my first baby into the world.

Things had started so smoothly at first, my waters broke and soon after contractions started. I laboured for over 20 odd hours but just couldn’t dilate to the magic 10cm and was stuck between 7 and 8cm.

I lost count of the number or midwives and health professionals who came and went during that time.

I remember….

…begging to wait a couple more hours to see if I would dilate because I desperately wanted the chance to have a natural birth. I didn’t want to be wheeled off to theatre

…tears stinging my eyes whilst signing the consent form for surgery

… crying over the phone to my mum because everything had gone wrong and telling her that I was going to have to be cut open

…being scared but grateful that Mr H was by my side every step of the way holding my hand

…lying on the theatre table feeling absolutely petrified but also apprehensive at being able to finally meet my baby

I will never forget the moment E came out of my tummy. I didn’t know that babies don’t cry straight away and instantly thought that something was wrong. The paediatrician took him to one side to check him over and that was when we heard a loud wail and both Mr H and I visibly relaxed.

Unlike my VBAC with M, I couldn’t hold E straight away but it meant that Daddy got to have first cuddles whilst I was being stitched up.

I couldn’t stop shaking and was so emotionally exhausted that I fought hard to keep my eyes open to soak every detail of my new baby boy in.

As much as I loved my baby I really felt like I’d been through the mill. My body didn’t feel like it was mine and I had a ridiculous rose-tinted vision of how I would be bringing my baby home. The stark reality was, I was a new mum who didn’t even know how to buckle my baby up properly in his car seat.

I cried that first night I came home – they should have been tears of joy but they were all for me, for what I had put my body through.

I felt like a failure for such a long time after having E. I was the only one in my NCT group to have had a c-section, the only one that couldn’t get on with breastfeeding. No one judged me as harshly as I judged myself.

It took a long time to get over and recover from it all but focusing on my baby was my priority now.

I was his whole world and that was all that mattered. My body will never ever be the same again but what I gained by having an emergency c-section – like many other women before and after me is completely worth it.

Nothing beats holding your newborn for the very first time and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

A rare photo of us together

24 Comments

  1. Bless, the most important thing is that you were both health and well. I had a C section. #KCACOLS

  2. Awww I con totally sympathise. It’s reassuring to read someone else’s c section story and how it affected them. I’m glad you were able to have a VBAC and make peace with yourself.
    #KCACOLS
    Cassie recently posted…Easter 2017 – what’s all the fuss about? My Profile

  3. What an emotional post! Rory’s birth didn’t quite go to plan and I had to go to theatre shortly after he was born. Leaving my little boy was so scary, I knew his dads would take care of him but I felt so disappointed that things hadn’t gone the way I hoped. I’m glad you managed to work through your initial feelings and that it hasn’t put you off more babies! #KCACOLS
    Becky – MommyandRory recently posted…Returning to Work Without Freaking the ‘F’ OutMy Profile

  4. I had to have c-sections with both of mine and I remember that disconnected feeling and feelings of failure with my first so well. Second time round I knew what to expect and wasn’t so hard on myself so despite complications during the surgery I didn’t have the same feelings afterwards. Like you say though, the most important thing is that your baby arrived safely and like you I would do it all again in a heartbeat x
    #KCACOLS
    Alana – Burnished Chaos recently posted…Happy Days: Ending the Easter Holidays in StyleMy Profile

  5. I know how you feel I also had a c-section. Mine was an emergency and I was put to sleep – I’m not sure if that was better or worse. By the time I came round it was all over! #KCACOLS

  6. Sounds a rocky start and always hard when it’s not how you had planned it all in your head, but however they come into this world, it’s always amazing to have them placed in your arms for the first time. #kcacols

  7. Oh bless you, the main thing is you were all okay and managed to get through a tough time together 🙂 #KCACOLS
    Amie recently posted…Easter – What Would You Do Differently?My Profile

  8. Oh you absolutely shouldn’t of felt like a failure far from it. It’s hard when things don’t go the way you had hoped or wanted but the main thing is your little man arrived safe and sound eh. #KCACOLS

  9. We are definitely our own worst critics. C sections sound absolutely terrifying, definitely not the easy way out! As you say, all that matters is that you are both healthy + happy 🙂

  10. I feel for you. I think a lot of new mums aren’t given enough info about C-sections and when they need an emergency one it can be such a surprise and shock. health care professionals seem to dismiss c-secs as a very last resort but I really think there should be more prep to help new mums come to terms with how things might pan out. lovely honest account #KCACOLS
    emma me and b make tea recently posted…How to Make an Awesome Forest Sensory Set for Your Schleich European Forest Dwellers!My Profile

  11. Definitely all worth it! Can be such a scary experience though x #KCACOLS
    Steph Curtis recently posted…A short walk: The trouble with going outMy Profile

  12. Oh bless you. I think it would be good for mummies to be to have more awareness of the possibility of a c sec. It happens to so many. I had quite a few months to prepare for mine as it was the only safe way jamie could enter this world. I felt many of the same emotions as you. Mostly bring a failure. But you know what we certainly aren’t. It was the safest option for both of you

  13. Via #KCACOLS (sorry I forgot to add)
    Suzy Mccullough recently posted…Belvoir castle Leicestershire, day out reviewMy Profile

  14. So worth it aren’t they. I love reading birth stories.

    #KCACOLS

  15. A scar to be very proud of. It’s amazing what we have to do sometimes to get these gorgeous creatures here safely. I’m glad you shared your story. I think a lot of people will appreciate it. #kcacols

  16. I was petrified at the thought of a cesarean but luckily didn’t need one with my three – such an honest post #KCACOLS
    Crummy Mummy recently posted…5 great reasons to grow your own food #adMy Profile

  17. Wear that scar proudly mama. Little E entered this crazy planet in a way that worked for him, and you are the bearer of both the baby and the story. Treasure it! <3 #KCACOLS

  18. I can totally empathise. I had a csection with my first, I felt like a huge failure. Our babies are here and we’ll though, that’s what matters! #KCACOLS

  19. Love your honesty here, and I think a lot of women who have emergency c-sections feel the same way. I think we all have this idea in our heads of how we would like the birth to go, so it’s really hard to process it when things don’t go according to our plans. x #KCACOLS
    Madeline (This Glorious Life) recently posted…Liked and loved – April 2017My Profile

  20. Your csection sounds like a very emotional time. It’s amazing how much our births can effect us as we seem to have such an idea of how they should be before and they often don’t turn out that way. X #kcacols

  21. So happy you received the help you needed and that you and E are both healthy and here! #KCACOLS

    Nadia xx

  22. Birth stories are a fave of mine, I tell mine again and again to my boys. So much so that they just groan now when i say ‘I remember when……”
    Glad you are all ok
    Mainy
    #KCACOLS
    mainy recently posted…My Best Friends Notebook Giveaway My Profile

  23. Oh Maria, what a story! This made me all emotional reading it again. But such a happy ending x #kcacols

  24. It must be such a difficult and emotional experience to go through – but as you say worth it in the end! #KCACOLS

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

CommentLuv badge